You Might Be Too Old To Gig In A Band If .......

[moxham123]

You Might Be Too Old To Gig In A Band If .......

- Your gig stool needs to have a back.
- You need a nap before the gig.
- The waitress is actually your daughter.
- All your fans get up and leave by 9:30 p.m.
- You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
- You prefer a music stand with a light.
- You can't remember the notes and words to songs you learned new 40 years ago and never stopped playing them.
- It's more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your amp.
- Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.
- All you want from groupies is a nice foot massage and back rub.
- You like taking the elevator since you can sing along with most of your playlist.
- Instead of adding another member, your band wants to hire a roadie.
- You forgot where you put the directions to the gig.
- You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
- You have to stop in the middle of a set to go pee.
- When asked the question "Boxers or briefs?" you respond- "Depends."
- You don't stop in the middle of a set to go pee... you just use your Depends!
- You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
- You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
- Most of your crowd just sits and sways in their seats.
- You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
- You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
- You refuse to play without wearing earplugs.
- You're related to at least one member in the band.
- You hope the host's speech lasts forever.
- You never let anyone else sit-in on a tune.
- After the third set, you ask the club manager to let you quit early.
- During the breaks, you go to your van to lie down and rest your eyes.
- You don't recover from the gig until Tuesday afternoon.
- You buy amps because of their weight, not their tone or cool factor.
- You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days.
- You can remember at least seven different club names for the same location.
- You feel guilty looking at hot women at the bar since they're younger than your daughter
- When you need a handrail to get on and off the stage.
- You say things to younger band members like;
"you missed the golden age of groupies (pre AIDS)"
"do we need to play this loud?"
- Between blod clots and bad knees, you have to sit most of the night.
- You lose the feeling in your left arm after a few songs, and have to work it out as you play.
- You keep telling yourself, "I can probably do this for another year or so".
- Your singer's parents come to the gig and you're older than they are.
- They quit making your band equipment 30 yrs ago
- You spend time making up cheat sheets so you can play the songs but forget where you put them.
- You won't do club gigs anymore because that would mean driving at night.
- You learned most of the songs on your setlist when they were new and now they are called oldies and classics.
- You have to hustle your gear offstage after your second set so the club can bring out the tables for dinner.
- You hire a 45 year old in the band to appeal to a younger audience.
- When all of your audience got senior discounts to get into the club
- When you find out that hot young waitress is your best friend's granddaughter.
- When AARP sponsors your tour. (This actually happened last year when AARP sponsored the Foreigner tour)
- You keep hoping to get a gig at Denny's.
- The colored lights do funny things to your age spots.
- Don't need ear protection any more because you have so much damn hair growing in your ears.
- You start thinking that the essential requirements for laying down a good groove include geritol, tylenol, and bifocals.
- You ask your bandmates if they mind you dating their grandma.
- You take a step back after singing some backup vocals and accidentally leave your dentures hanging on the mic.
- You don't really care that your dentures are hanging on the mic.
- You play a gig at an old folks home and you can walk back home since you live down the hall.
- You don't understand why anyone would need "all that" band equipment.
- You spend more time devising ways to mount those Icy Hot packets on your shoulder strap than you do actually practicing.
- Your typical normal bedtime is earlier than when most of your shows even start.
- You leave an electric outlet open on your power box so that you can enjoy your heating pad while you are playing.
- Instead of beer you ask the venue if they can comp you some Ensure or Metamucil.
- You've never even heard of half the artists you're covering.
- You keep playing the original version and the rest of the band is playing the remix.
- "Does she have a sister?' has become "Is her Mom hot?"
- You keep thinking about how much your gig rig is worth on the Vintage market.
- You keep an eye on the obits the day before a show in case you need to call a replacement.
- Your show bling has your Dr's phone number on it.
- You pick your shoes for comfort, not style.
- You still have your fedora hat from the last time they were cool.
- You know any Showtunes.
- You've been playing classic rock since before it was classic.
- When the weight of your amps and cabinets becomes more important than the tone.
- Your AARP membership won't get discounted drinks...
- You will only play if the club has HANDICAP PARKING!
- You remember the days before amps.
- When your strings are older than other band members.
- When you call round wounds "the new type of string".
- When your band mates are younger than your sons
- When you would rather go direct into the pa rather than carry one of those 5 pound heads and 30 pound cabinets
- You carry your own bar stool from home to sit on in case the set goes more than 15 minutes
- You get restless leg syndrome while moving about the stage and it does not mean you are dancing.
- You bring along Viagra in case it looks like you might get lucky...
- You play at least 2-3 songs a set without any feeling in your arm or hand.
- If you are doing an outdoor gig, and the audience shows up, and you yell at them to get off the lawn.
- You might be able to get a ride to the gig from the "Senior Shuttle".
- The cougars on the dance floor are younger than your daughter
- The Viva Viagra commercial song is your band's opening tune.
- When you feel you have to announce the year of each song you play and people in the audience say they were not even born yet.
- You use your Social Security retirement check to buy new band equipment.
- There is a bottle of Geritol sitting next to your amp instead of a bottle of beer!
- 60 seconds after you ask "what's on the set list?" you ask "what's on the set list??"
- The vibrations from your amp makes your PolyGrip come loose!
- When your knees pop it's louder than the snare drum
- When you dread a Sunday night gig and actually consider calling off work Monday, or, going in late
- You won't take a gig that might end AFTER 8pm!
- When your running around the stage has to be done with a Segway...
- You begin too many sentences with "Back in the day...".
- You have to be sure to bring all your medications with you when you gig or just go out in general.
- You have a special pair of glasses made for you to get the correct focus on the fretboard.
- You have to use the massager when you get home from a gig.
- You plan your week around your Dr. appointments.
- You have to be careful how much liquid you drink before you go onstage so you won't have to pee in the middle of a set.
- Your waist size is equal to your age.
- You are playing a song that was a Billboard Top 10 hit when you were in Jr. High/High School and the audience moans to play something they know.
- "The ramp up to the stage is no longer for the equipment"
- Your cheat sheets are in 72 pt. or larger type and printed on poster board.
- You are a drummer and have play standing all night because of your hemorrhoids.
- You are a drummer and your throne is made out of a hemorrhoid doughnut.
- You complain that the bass and drums shake your bowels loose
- You own a bass, amp, or any other band equipment that is older than your kids
- If you play any cover songs from the 90’s and refer to them as “new”
- Your fans leave early because the music is “too damn loud”
- You have to print your setlists and lyric sheets with an increasing bigger font so your band members can read them without their reading glasses
- You can’t remember where you left your setlists and lyric sheets, so you just make them up
- When you drop a pick, you just leave it on the floor because it’s too hard to bend over and pick it back up
- You have to take a vacation day from your day job if you have a Friday night gig
- Your kids look at your setlist and have never heard of any song on it (“Who the hell is Led Zeppelin?”)
- The groupies call you “Sir”
- When you're having trouble with your pedals because the tennis balls on your walker are just too damned big.
- Your idea of a hot chick at a show is one who can take her teeth out.

[Banned]

LOL. An actual LOL. Some of those are not funny, they make practical sense to some of us seasoned citizens.

[DirtySanchez]

Your idea of a hot chick at a show is one who can take her teeth out.

I'd trade two cute ones for one with no teeth.

[UNEARTHA7XMatt]

Your idea of a hot chick at a show is one who can take her teeth out.

I'd trade two cute ones for one with no teeth.

Yes and I call Sloppy Seconds!!!

[REDillon]

Those are classic. I really enjoyed those and related to more of them than I care to mention!

[HurricaneBob]

The first one nailed me right off the bat...

[4_the_pocket]

The first one nailed me right off the bat...

Ditto!

[Colton]

..if you had enough time and knowledge about the subject to make a list this big.

[PanzerFaust]

..if you had enough time and knowledge about the subject to make a list this big.

Yea I started to dose off half way through...

I couldn't imagine the focus it took to write all these down... Although about half hit pretty close to home....

Especially finding a place for my fan on stage....

[witchhunt]

Especially finding a place for my fan on stage....

Top priority.

[songsmith]

Sooo many of these are stepping on my toes. I have definitely mentioned on here that the young guys truly missed the golden age of groupies (pre-AIDS). I bitch about the fine print on the set lists, too.--->JMS

[timemoney0]

OUCH!!!!! Guess we shoukld sit around and keep listening to our vinyl thingys..........damn scratches

[Tegamal]

Wow, spooky! haha

[Atomic Jim]

Okay, whoever posted that list is being sued for publishing my life's story.

You have one part wrong though. The songs I played 40 years ago are the ones I CAN remember, every word and chord. It's the ones I practiced for ten hours last week that I forget when I get to the gig.

And - no joke - the first thing I look for on an amps spec page is the weight.

**sigh**

Oh yeah, the next time you post a list like that, use a bigger font so us old guys can read it!