I know him too and I never saw him have a seizure.bassist_25 wrote:I personally know ToonaRockGuy, and he's a very eclectic individual. Just satire...that's all.Dark Soul wrote:
Sure, I got that it was satirical. But it sounded like he was busting on prog music. Sorry to ToonaRockGuy if I took it wrong.
Something else?
"Death has come to your little town."
huh?witchhunt wrote:I know him too and I never saw him have a seizure.bassist_25 wrote:I personally know ToonaRockGuy, and he's a very eclectic individual. Just satire...that's all.Dark Soul wrote:
Sure, I got that it was satirical. But it sounded like he was busting on prog music. Sorry to ToonaRockGuy if I took it wrong.
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slackin@dabass
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ToonaRockGuy
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To Dark Soul:witchhunt wrote:I know him too and I never saw him have a seizure.bassist_25 wrote:I personally know ToonaRockGuy, and he's a very eclectic individual. Just satire...that's all.Dark Soul wrote:
Sure, I got that it was satirical. But it sounded like he was busting on prog music. Sorry to ToonaRockGuy if I took it wrong.
Dude, relax. Ever since you got here, a ton of your posts are very defensive and on edge. You gotta have a sense of humor. It was satire, I didn't even write the list. It's from Metalsucks.net, which is a satire site in and of itself. Here's the proof:
http://www.metalsucks.net/2007/07/05/th ... rog-metal/
There's also rules for death metal, power metal, punk, emo, doom metal, and satanic black metal. Chill.
To Paul: Thanks, bro. I never quite pictured myself as "eclectic", but I guess musically, I am.
To Witchhunt: Come to think of it, you never did see me have a seizure, not even during that bar fight out in Berlin during the gig that we were playing, LOL!! Remember that one?
Dood...
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ToonaRockGuy
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Oh, and here are the ones for Power Metal, Nu-Metal, and Hardcore. Enjoy, it's fucking satire.
The Official 101 Rules For Power Metal
1. You have one goal: be epic.
2. Let no sound be lonely. If there's a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there's singing, make it a choir.
3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.
4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
8. You are allowed to be blonde.
9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don't get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
11. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model.
12. Ballads are permissible.
13. That doesn't mean your ballads can suck.
14. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.
15. More solos means more epic.
16. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske.
17. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
18. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
19. 'Grim' and 'necro' don't apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!
20. Power metal depends on power chords.
21. 16th notes are the only notes.
22. Unless you're singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars.
23. Keyboards get solos, too.
24. If you can't be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
25. Actually, don't be Timo Tolkki.
26. In case you didn't know, "symphonic" is synonymous with "epic." See rule #1.
27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done "epic," there's always room for more.
28. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad.
29. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as 'mighty' without being laughed at. Much.
30. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.
31. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it's not catchy, it's harder to sing in a language that is not your first.
32. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!
33. Tight. Pants.
34. You don't have to detune your guitars.
35. Though you probably should drop them a half-step.
36. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
37. Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.
38. Fortunately, you don't need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice.
39. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.
40. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes.
41. It's not a tour, it's a crusade!
42. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don't worry about them live.
43. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don't use words like "majesty," "glorious," "magical," and so on.
44. Wizards! You need wizards!
45. Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords.
46. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.
47. Come to think of it, don't be Manowar.
48. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
49. Songs don't begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.
50. Hail true metal!
51. Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.
52. Epic. Tight. Pants.
53. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this.
54. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.
55. True warriors can tell the difference between albums.
56. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.
57. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album.
58. Drugs aren't metal.
59. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.
60. "Flagons of ale." It's appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like "dragons," so you score extra points.
61. Since you can't get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing.
62. Your accent will show as a consequence.
63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.
64. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7.
65. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo.
666. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!
67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.
68. Bass players: one note. Really fast.
69. But include one enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won't realize your band has a bass player.
70. Just because you don't play black metal doesn't mean you can't use Tolkein.
71. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.
72. Never leave Europe.
73. For purposes of rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe.
74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.
75. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can't afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.
76. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren't epic enough to justify a live album.
77. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic!
78. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them.
79. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren't actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something.
80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won't be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.
81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.
82. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key.
83. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.
84. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da…
85. Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible.
86. More than a logo, you need a mascot.
87. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.
88. At your first gig, if you feel a "rising force", do be sure not to get it all over your audience.
89. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.
90. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP.
91. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.
92. Sing along.
93. Don't get caught singing along.
94. Glitter is not epic.
95. Neither is body oil. See rule #47.
96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.
97. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they're Stratovarius.
98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.
99. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.
100. To repeat: be epic.
101. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.
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The Official 101 Rules of Nu-Metal
01. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath.
02. Make sure you don't sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they're your musical influences.
03. Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boyband. This is non-negotiable.
04. When conducting interviews always say the words "@#%$", "fag", and "@#%$".
05. Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone.
06. Pay them $50 to mention the word "metal" in correlation with your music, in every single interview.
07. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band -- ie. Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD).
08. Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one.
09. Ask your mom to go to the nearest "Ross" beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel.
10. Use the word "gay" when referring to anything you don't like.
11. No guitar solos.
12. Your drumming techniques must consist of "bass-snare, bass-snare" drumming only.
13. In order for your bassist to win a "Best Bass Player Award", make sure that they:
14. Are female or,
15. Use the "slap and pop" playing style.
16. Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side.
17. During concerts, ask your audience to sing along:
18. Jump up and down,
19. Put their hands in the air,
20. Flash their middle-fingers,
21. And be careful not to hurt each other.
22. In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from.
23. Your second album must be weaker than the first one.
24. Make sure that at least one band member:
25. Has been previously arrested,
26. Drinks beer,
27. Or smokes marijuana.
28. During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band.
29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55.
30. When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with "kicks ass".
31. When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either "sucks dick", or "@#%$ sucks ass".
32. Pretend that you've been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold:
32. Your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn't work,
33. Donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations.
34. Your record label must be either one of the following (and their subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam.
35. Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory everytime.
36. Your pants must be 3 times larger than your original waist length.
37. Say "shaznit".
38. Say "tight as @#%$" whenever possible.
39. Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent -- but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music.
40. When meeting up with Kurt Loder and Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers.
41. Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back "metal" from the dead.
42. Make sure you have at least one female member.
43. Be at every single "Ozzfest" tour.
44. Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back.
45. Pretend that you design your own website.
46. Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O' Brien to produce your record.
47. Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it's scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album.
48. Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album.
49. Always whine.
50. Close your eyes when singing to show how "depressed" you are -- ie. Staind.
51. Body piercings are a must.
52. Make sure that you have at least one band member that's bald,
53. Or have a goatee.
54. Pretend that you hate the world.
55. During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back.
56. Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt.
57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts.
58. Bite the microphone when singing.
59. Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison.
60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance -- ie. "its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!"
61. Insert the word "@#%$" in the middle of two words -- ie. "I like coco-@#%$-nut"
62. Zildijan must be your official cymbals.
63. Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes.
64. Always use seven-string guitars.
65. The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a "Best Guitar Player" award. So get to it!
66. Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977.
67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the "heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time".
68. Read #67 but add more of the word "@#%$" as much as possible for emphasis.
69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn't sound as heavy as you said it would be.
70. Your song lyrics must have the word "@#%$" on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious "tough-as-nails" bands.
71. Pick fights with random bands to show how "bad-ass" you are.
72. If you intend to copy someone else's sound -- don't use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered as the "masters" of this art.
73. When kids start calling your band "sell-outs", reply that if they were on your position they'd do the same thing as well.
74. When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you're being compared to is one of your musical influences or,
75. Its just a coincidence.
76. Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you're a closet gay.
77. When your parents tells you to go to your room -- go to your room.
78. You must have a studio album out every year. If you can't pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do.
79. Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a "scene".
80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year.
81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company -- and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma.
82. Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves.
83. During live shows say that you're about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you've wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task.
84. Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names.
85. Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word.
86. When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying "you never spent time enough with your kids".
87. When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you've never heard of them before.
88. Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future.
89. Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine.
90. Insist that your band is "metal" at all times.
91. Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors.
92. Say that you're going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you.
93. Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom.
94. Pretend that you like Kittie's music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member.
95. Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming "that's not true! that's not true!" over and over again.
96. Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing.
97. Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise stupid music.
98. If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single -- instant success!
99. Participate in as many compilation albums as you can.
100. Strictly no guitar solos.
101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above.
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The Official 101 Rules Of Hardcore
1.) Be tough at all times.
2.) Never cheer after a show, only clap.
3.) Be open minded in a “punch people” kind of way.
4.) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar: Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire.
5.) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
6.) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See Rule 5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
7.) Wear your hoody in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
8.) Don’t admit you listen to heavy metal.
9) Exception to rule 8: only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80’s cheese metal shirts.
10.) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
11.) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
12.) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Examples: screamcore, emocore, screamocore, mathcore, or medio-core.
13.) Remember, it’s fun to punch and kick kung fu style.
14.) Keep it in the do-jo.
15.) Real hardcore fans are called kids.
16.) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
17.) Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Hulud.
18.) Tell people you work in the music industry.
19.) More Ankles people!
20.) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
21.) Refer to bands as old school or new school then act tough again.
22.) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape Plan.
23.) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.
24.) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
25.) Smoking and drinking and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.
26.) Whatever you do, don’t let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself, after all, you do a better job singing then him. It’s a wonder they didn’t put you on the album.
27.) Start your own hardcore band.
28.) Have your logo resemble some random 80’s product for nostalgia.
29.) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
30.) If you are shy start an emo band so you don’t have to look at the audience.
31.) People who know more bands than you are better than you.
32.) Add the Letter X before and after important words. XhardcorekidX XmoshfuckX
33.) Never say “Did you hear the new Strung Out?” Unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough, not funny.
34.) It’s merch not Merchandise.
35.) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
36.) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
37.) The bigger you stretch you ears out the more hardcore you are.
38.) Your ear should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap or a penis.
39.) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal of stealing the mic away from the singer.
40.) When people ask you if you like a band always say “I only like the old stuff” or “I haven’t really gotten into the new stuff.”
41.) Buy all of that band’s merch.
42.) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
43.) Repeat steps 41 and 42.
44.) If you have to wear glasses make sure they are thick, black framed ones.
45.) Don’t tell anybody but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the well.
46.) Never admit you don’t like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
47.) Complain that they are playing with Slayer but don’t admit you actually like Slayer.
48.) Complain at all costs.
49.) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool.
50.) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.
51.) You don’t go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.
52.) Name your hardcore dance moves things like “The mother fuck” or “kick that guys ass move” or better yet… stay home and cry.
53.) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.
54.) Scream about love.
55.) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.
56.) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge. Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids.
57.) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
58.) Wear your pins with honour! Shai Hulud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat and the purple heart of valour.
59.) Velcro shoes are cool.
60.) Don’t admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
61.) Your band name should contain one of the following words: blood, murder, kill, victim or butterfly.
62.) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
63.) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.
64.) 100 bands from around the world to play in your city. All of them are the world’s best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore genre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
65.) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
66.) Re-issue your demos after every album.
67.) When the band starts playing everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
68.) Crying on stage makes you a professional.
69.) Complain some more.
70.) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
71.) If you are from New York NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up whom ever is looking.
72.) If you are from New Jersey NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.
73.) Never admit that emo is country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
74.) American Idol is your worst enemy (but you voted for Ruben).
75.) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
76.) Fuck beer, got breast milk?
77.) Bandanas are cool.
78.) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
79.) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week you poseur.
80.) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
81.) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them, which is clearly a rip off of your band.
82.) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
83.) Look up “socio-cultural” in the dictionary and then get offended.
84.) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
85.) Describe your group of friends as “the scene.”
86.) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
87.) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with “I am hardcore” then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
88.) Keep punching.
89.) Kick a little, too.
90.) Punch .
91.) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
92.) Pretend you are won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.
93.) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
94.) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records are too trendy.
95.) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.
96.) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.
97.) Straight bangs means straight-edge
98.) Being vegan means you can’t swallow sperm.
99.) When in doubt mock everything
100.) Take everything personally.
101) Assume this list is about you.
The Official 101 Rules For Power Metal
1. You have one goal: be epic.
2. Let no sound be lonely. If there's a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there's singing, make it a choir.
3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write.
4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
8. You are allowed to be blonde.
9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one.
10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don't get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
11. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model.
12. Ballads are permissible.
13. That doesn't mean your ballads can suck.
14. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.
15. More solos means more epic.
16. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske.
17. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
18. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something.
19. 'Grim' and 'necro' don't apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!
20. Power metal depends on power chords.
21. 16th notes are the only notes.
22. Unless you're singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars.
23. Keyboards get solos, too.
24. If you can't be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
25. Actually, don't be Timo Tolkki.
26. In case you didn't know, "symphonic" is synonymous with "epic." See rule #1.
27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done "epic," there's always room for more.
28. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad.
29. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as 'mighty' without being laughed at. Much.
30. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.
31. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it's not catchy, it's harder to sing in a language that is not your first.
32. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!
33. Tight. Pants.
34. You don't have to detune your guitars.
35. Though you probably should drop them a half-step.
36. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos?
37. Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.
38. Fortunately, you don't need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice.
39. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.
40. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes.
41. It's not a tour, it's a crusade!
42. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don't worry about them live.
43. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don't use words like "majesty," "glorious," "magical," and so on.
44. Wizards! You need wizards!
45. Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords.
46. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.
47. Come to think of it, don't be Manowar.
48. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
49. Songs don't begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.
50. Hail true metal!
51. Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.
52. Epic. Tight. Pants.
53. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this.
54. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.
55. True warriors can tell the difference between albums.
56. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.
57. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album.
58. Drugs aren't metal.
59. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.
60. "Flagons of ale." It's appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like "dragons," so you score extra points.
61. Since you can't get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing.
62. Your accent will show as a consequence.
63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.
64. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7.
65. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo.
666. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!
67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords.
68. Bass players: one note. Really fast.
69. But include one enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won't realize your band has a bass player.
70. Just because you don't play black metal doesn't mean you can't use Tolkein.
71. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears.
72. Never leave Europe.
73. For purposes of rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe.
74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.
75. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can't afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard.
76. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren't epic enough to justify a live album.
77. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic!
78. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them.
79. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren't actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something.
80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won't be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic.
81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not.
82. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key.
83. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.
84. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da…
85. Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible.
86. More than a logo, you need a mascot.
87. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.
88. At your first gig, if you feel a "rising force", do be sure not to get it all over your audience.
89. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.
90. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP.
91. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.
92. Sing along.
93. Don't get caught singing along.
94. Glitter is not epic.
95. Neither is body oil. See rule #47.
96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.
97. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they're Stratovarius.
98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection.
99. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.
100. To repeat: be epic.
101. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.
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The Official 101 Rules of Nu-Metal
01. When asked who your musical influences are, say Black Sabbath -- always Black Sabbath.
02. Make sure you don't sound like Black Sabbath at all even though you said that they're your musical influences.
03. Make fun of popular music especially Britney Spears and any boyband. This is non-negotiable.
04. When conducting interviews always say the words "@#%$", "fag", and "@#%$".
05. Accept interviews only from the following music magazines: Metal Edge, Revolver, Alternative Press, Hit Parader, Guitar World, Kerrang! and Rolling Stone.
06. Pay them $50 to mention the word "metal" in correlation with your music, in every single interview.
07. Add another $50 if they are able to invent a new genre dedicated solely to your band -- ie. Death Metal Disco (Static X), Melodic-core (Thursday), Christian Rap Metal (POD).
08. Make sure that at least one of your band members have an existing side project, or at least planning to start one.
09. Ask your mom to go to the nearest "Ross" beauty shop to buy six boxes of Lander hair gel.
10. Use the word "gay" when referring to anything you don't like.
11. No guitar solos.
12. Your drumming techniques must consist of "bass-snare, bass-snare" drumming only.
13. In order for your bassist to win a "Best Bass Player Award", make sure that they:
14. Are female or,
15. Use the "slap and pop" playing style.
16. Jump in the air while playing your guitar, and while in mid-air place the guitar on your side.
17. During concerts, ask your audience to sing along:
18. Jump up and down,
19. Put their hands in the air,
20. Flash their middle-fingers,
21. And be careful not to hurt each other.
22. In the liner notes of your album, dedicate it to your parents, and to more than 15 different nu-metal bands with at least 4 bands which you borrowed your sound from.
23. Your second album must be weaker than the first one.
24. Make sure that at least one band member:
25. Has been previously arrested,
26. Drinks beer,
27. Or smokes marijuana.
28. During interviews deny any form of drug-use in your band.
29. Say you hate Limp Bizkit, then contradict your statement by sticking up for bands like Taproot, Drowning Pool, and Primer 55.
30. When describing bands which you think are good, end every statement with "kicks ass".
31. When describing bands you hate, end every statement with either "sucks dick", or "@#%$ sucks ass".
32. Pretend that you've been abused as a child and when no one believes you, hold:
32. Your depressing song lyrics as evidence, and if that doesn't work,
33. Donate 3% of your earnings to anti-child abuse foundations.
34. Your record label must be either one of the following (and their subsidiaries): Sony, Interscope, Warner, Geffen, Virgin, Roadrunner, and Island/Def Jam.
35. Wear baseball caps, shades, wallet-chains, or any other fancy-schmancy fashion accessory everytime.
36. Your pants must be 3 times larger than your original waist length.
37. Say "shaznit".
38. Say "tight as @#%$" whenever possible.
39. Pretend that you hate MTV, and say that you detest the playing of your videos without your consent -- but deep down inside you really like the way they promote your music.
40. When meeting up with Kurt Loder and Carson Daly, be sure to meet up with Fred Durst to ask for pointers.
41. Always give credit to Korn and say they brought back "metal" from the dead.
42. Make sure you have at least one female member.
43. Be at every single "Ozzfest" tour.
44. Your t-shirts must be plain black with your logo in front and a teen-angst quote in the back.
45. Pretend that you design your own website.
46. Get Ross Robinson, GGGarth, or Brendan O' Brien to produce your record.
47. Always make sure that you delay your album release. If it's scheduled for June 5, move it to July 7. Do this at least twice per album.
48. Ask guest rappers or any member from another nu-metal band to participate on your album.
49. Always whine.
50. Close your eyes when singing to show how "depressed" you are -- ie. Staind.
51. Body piercings are a must.
52. Make sure that you have at least one band member that's bald,
53. Or have a goatee.
54. Pretend that you hate the world.
55. During live shows, make sure that you dive to the crowd and ask them to return you back.
56. Your pants must be low-waist, and must show your boxers underneath when you lift your shirt.
57. Your drummer must be topless during live concerts.
58. Bite the microphone when singing.
59. Swing the microphone stand while headbanging in unison.
60. Always suck up to the crowd during a live performance -- ie. "its a good day to be here in Los-@#%$-Angeles!"
61. Insert the word "@#%$" in the middle of two words -- ie. "I like coco-@#%$-nut"
62. Zildijan must be your official cymbals.
63. Your guitars must be Ibanez or Fender. Accept no substitutes.
64. Always use seven-string guitars.
65. The more stomp boxes and pedals you have, the bigger the chances of you winning a "Best Guitar Player" award. So get to it!
66. Wear facepaints or masks, and when someone labels you a Slipknot rip-off say that you existed as early as 1977.
67. When someone asks how your next album is going to turn out, say that its going to be the "heavy-@#%$-iest album of all @#%$ time".
68. Read #67 but add more of the word "@#%$" as much as possible for emphasis.
69. Make sure that when it comes out, it doesn't sound as heavy as you said it would be.
70. Your song lyrics must have the word "@#%$" on at least 3 songs. This rule only applies to pretentious "tough-as-nails" bands.
71. Pick fights with random bands to show how "bad-ass" you are.
72. If you intend to copy someone else's sound -- don't use any form of profanity whatsoever when writing song lyrics, so the attention of the critiques will be focused on the lyrical content instead of your music. For more information, ask Linkin Park because they are considered as the "masters" of this art.
73. When kids start calling your band "sell-outs", reply that if they were on your position they'd do the same thing as well.
74. When kids start calling you a copycat, say that the band you're being compared to is one of your musical influences or,
75. Its just a coincidence.
76. Make fun of gay people at all times. This is a perfect way to hide the fact that you're a closet gay.
77. When your parents tells you to go to your room -- go to your room.
78. You must have a studio album out every year. If you can't pull a studio album in just a year, an album with demos and remixes of old songs will do.
79. Make sure that you get into a scuffle with security on every single concert you partake in to cause a "scene".
80. Wash your sneakers only 4 times a year.
81. Wear clothes from a particular clothing company -- and soon they will ask you to endorse their wardrobe. Perfect choices are Adidas and Puma.
82. Release a video that contains nothing but backstage footage of your band making asses out of themselves.
83. During live shows say that you're about to perform a song they already know. Utter the first word of the song title then ask the fans to complete the name of the song by pointing the mic towards them. Keep on doing it until they scream the title crystal clear, or if you've wasted 5 minutes just getting them to complete the task.
84. Your fanbase must comprise of 90% morons that have usernames on the internet patterned after your band and the last 10% with smart guys that use original names.
85. Your band name must be a mispelling of an original word.
86. When parents start blaming your band for having songs that incite violence, turn the blame back on them by saying "you never spent time enough with your kids".
87. When someone points out the similarities of your music with another band which rose to popularity just recently, pretend that you've never heard of them before.
88. Cancel at least 5 of the tour dates you intend to play in the near future.
89. Claim that the posturings of anger and depression in your songs are genuine.
90. Insist that your band is "metal" at all times.
91. Best Buy and Hot Topic must be your core album distributors.
92. Say that you're going to commit suicide whenever no one pays attention to you.
93. Your idea of being unique is donning black and white facepaint and acting like a depressed troll in your bedroom.
94. Pretend that you like Kittie's music but in reality you just want to score on at least one member.
95. Say that rule #94 is a lie! Then stomp your foot on the ground repeatedly while screaming "that's not true! that's not true!" over and over again.
96. Your first radio single must have clean vocals or at least melodic riffing.
97. Waste your time writing a song dedicated to taking potshots at the critiques and the people that make fun of your otherwise stupid music.
98. If you are a new band, cover an old 80s song and make it as catchy as you can. Ship this song as your first radio single -- instant success!
99. Participate in as many compilation albums as you can.
100. Strictly no guitar solos.
101. You are offended personally by every single rule written above.
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The Official 101 Rules Of Hardcore
1.) Be tough at all times.
2.) Never cheer after a show, only clap.
3.) Be open minded in a “punch people” kind of way.
4.) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar: Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire.
5.) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
6.) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See Rule 5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
7.) Wear your hoody in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
8.) Don’t admit you listen to heavy metal.
9) Exception to rule 8: only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80’s cheese metal shirts.
10.) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
11.) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
12.) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Examples: screamcore, emocore, screamocore, mathcore, or medio-core.
13.) Remember, it’s fun to punch and kick kung fu style.
14.) Keep it in the do-jo.
15.) Real hardcore fans are called kids.
16.) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
17.) Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Hulud.
18.) Tell people you work in the music industry.
19.) More Ankles people!
20.) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
21.) Refer to bands as old school or new school then act tough again.
22.) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape Plan.
23.) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.
24.) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
25.) Smoking and drinking and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.
26.) Whatever you do, don’t let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself, after all, you do a better job singing then him. It’s a wonder they didn’t put you on the album.
27.) Start your own hardcore band.
28.) Have your logo resemble some random 80’s product for nostalgia.
29.) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
30.) If you are shy start an emo band so you don’t have to look at the audience.
31.) People who know more bands than you are better than you.
32.) Add the Letter X before and after important words. XhardcorekidX XmoshfuckX
33.) Never say “Did you hear the new Strung Out?” Unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough, not funny.
34.) It’s merch not Merchandise.
35.) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
36.) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
37.) The bigger you stretch you ears out the more hardcore you are.
38.) Your ear should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap or a penis.
39.) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal of stealing the mic away from the singer.
40.) When people ask you if you like a band always say “I only like the old stuff” or “I haven’t really gotten into the new stuff.”
41.) Buy all of that band’s merch.
42.) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
43.) Repeat steps 41 and 42.
44.) If you have to wear glasses make sure they are thick, black framed ones.
45.) Don’t tell anybody but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the well.
46.) Never admit you don’t like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
47.) Complain that they are playing with Slayer but don’t admit you actually like Slayer.
48.) Complain at all costs.
49.) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool.
50.) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.
51.) You don’t go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.
52.) Name your hardcore dance moves things like “The mother fuck” or “kick that guys ass move” or better yet… stay home and cry.
53.) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.
54.) Scream about love.
55.) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.
56.) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge. Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids.
57.) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
58.) Wear your pins with honour! Shai Hulud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat and the purple heart of valour.
59.) Velcro shoes are cool.
60.) Don’t admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
61.) Your band name should contain one of the following words: blood, murder, kill, victim or butterfly.
62.) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
63.) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.
64.) 100 bands from around the world to play in your city. All of them are the world’s best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore genre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
65.) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
66.) Re-issue your demos after every album.
67.) When the band starts playing everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
68.) Crying on stage makes you a professional.
69.) Complain some more.
70.) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
71.) If you are from New York NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up whom ever is looking.
72.) If you are from New Jersey NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.
73.) Never admit that emo is country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
74.) American Idol is your worst enemy (but you voted for Ruben).
75.) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
76.) Fuck beer, got breast milk?
77.) Bandanas are cool.
78.) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
79.) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week you poseur.
80.) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
81.) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them, which is clearly a rip off of your band.
82.) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
83.) Look up “socio-cultural” in the dictionary and then get offended.
84.) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
85.) Describe your group of friends as “the scene.”
86.) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
87.) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with “I am hardcore” then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
88.) Keep punching.
89.) Kick a little, too.
90.) Punch .
91.) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
92.) Pretend you are won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.
93.) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
94.) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records are too trendy.
95.) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.
96.) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.
97.) Straight bangs means straight-edge
98.) Being vegan means you can’t swallow sperm.
99.) When in doubt mock everything
100.) Take everything personally.
101) Assume this list is about you.
Dood...
-
YankeeRose
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 2523
- Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2004 9:21 pm
- Location: Altunea, PA
- Contact:
I happened to notice #92 for Hardcore, which mentions a dismembered left arm. 
"'Tis only a flesh wound!" -
DirtySanchez
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 4186
- Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2006 9:42 pm
- Location: On teh internetz
- Contact:
-
bassist_25
- Senior Member
- Posts: 6815
- Joined: Tue Dec 10, 2002 2:22 am
- Location: Indiana
So who wants to post this over at VocalYouth?ToonaRockGuy wrote:
The Official 101 Rules Of Hardcore
1.) Be tough at all times.
2.) Never cheer after a show, only clap.
3.) Be open minded in a “punch people” kind of way.
4.) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar: Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire.
5.) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
6.) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See Rule 5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
7.) Wear your hoody in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
8.) Don’t admit you listen to heavy metal.
9) Exception to rule 8: only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80’s cheese metal shirts.
10.) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
11.) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
12.) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Examples: screamcore, emocore, screamocore, mathcore, or medio-core.
13.) Remember, it’s fun to punch and kick kung fu style.
14.) Keep it in the do-jo.
15.) Real hardcore fans are called kids.
16.) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
17.) Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Hulud.
18.) Tell people you work in the music industry.
19.) More Ankles people!
20.) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
21.) Refer to bands as old school or new school then act tough again.
22.) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape Plan.
23.) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.
24.) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
25.) Smoking and drinking and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.
26.) Whatever you do, don’t let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself, after all, you do a better job singing then him. It’s a wonder they didn’t put you on the album.
27.) Start your own hardcore band.
28.) Have your logo resemble some random 80’s product for nostalgia.
29.) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
30.) If you are shy start an emo band so you don’t have to look at the audience.
31.) People who know more bands than you are better than you.
32.) Add the Letter X before and after important words. XhardcorekidX XmoshfuckX
33.) Never say “Did you hear the new Strung Out?” Unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough, not funny.
34.) It’s merch not Merchandise.
35.) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
36.) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
37.) The bigger you stretch you ears out the more hardcore you are.
38.) Your ear should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap or a penis.
39.) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal of stealing the mic away from the singer.
40.) When people ask you if you like a band always say “I only like the old stuff” or “I haven’t really gotten into the new stuff.”
41.) Buy all of that band’s merch.
42.) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
43.) Repeat steps 41 and 42.
44.) If you have to wear glasses make sure they are thick, black framed ones.
45.) Don’t tell anybody but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the well.
46.) Never admit you don’t like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
47.) Complain that they are playing with Slayer but don’t admit you actually like Slayer.
48.) Complain at all costs.
49.) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool.
50.) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.
51.) You don’t go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.
52.) Name your hardcore dance moves things like “The mother fuck” or “kick that guys ass move” or better yet… stay home and cry.
53.) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.
54.) Scream about love.
55.) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.
56.) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge. Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids.
57.) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
58.) Wear your pins with honour! Shai Hulud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat and the purple heart of valour.
59.) Velcro shoes are cool.
60.) Don’t admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
61.) Your band name should contain one of the following words: blood, murder, kill, victim or butterfly.
62.) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
63.) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.
64.) 100 bands from around the world to play in your city. All of them are the world’s best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore genre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
65.) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
66.) Re-issue your demos after every album.
67.) When the band starts playing everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
68.) Crying on stage makes you a professional.
69.) Complain some more.
70.) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
71.) If you are from New York NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up whom ever is looking.
72.) If you are from New Jersey NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.
73.) Never admit that emo is country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
74.) American Idol is your worst enemy (but you voted for Ruben).
75.) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
76.) Fuck beer, got breast milk?
77.) Bandanas are cool.
78.) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
79.) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week you poseur.
80.) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
81.) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them, which is clearly a rip off of your band.
82.) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
83.) Look up “socio-cultural” in the dictionary and then get offended.
84.) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
85.) Describe your group of friends as “the scene.”
86.) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
87.) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with “I am hardcore” then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
88.) Keep punching.
89.) Kick a little, too.
90.) Punch .
91.) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
92.) Pretend you are won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.
93.) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
94.) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records are too trendy.
95.) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.
96.) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.
97.) Straight bangs means straight-edge
98.) Being vegan means you can’t swallow sperm.
99.) When in doubt mock everything
100.) Take everything personally.
101) Assume this list is about you.
"He's the electric horseman, you better back off!" - old sKool making a reference to the culturally relevant 1979 film.
Is number 98 really true?
I just watched a show on the History Channel about FSU and the hardcore scene last night. It looked like a brat convention. I pointed at the screen and told my wife that "this is why you shouldn't spoil your kids." They showed a bunch of pussy-fights, twenty guys kicking the sh*t out of one dude because they heard him say he didn't like the band. A bunch of bullies all pissed-off because they can't get any nookie from women.
Surely, this isn't the hardcore scene? I like the crunchy guitars, but not enough to support mob violence. I'm not into getting stomped for some other douche's pit beef. Smoke a jay, fella's. Spank the monkey. Cool out, and get over yourselves. Listen to the f*&king music, and let yourself enjoy it. Life's only brutal sometimes.------>JMS
I just watched a show on the History Channel about FSU and the hardcore scene last night. It looked like a brat convention. I pointed at the screen and told my wife that "this is why you shouldn't spoil your kids." They showed a bunch of pussy-fights, twenty guys kicking the sh*t out of one dude because they heard him say he didn't like the band. A bunch of bullies all pissed-off because they can't get any nookie from women.
Surely, this isn't the hardcore scene? I like the crunchy guitars, but not enough to support mob violence. I'm not into getting stomped for some other douche's pit beef. Smoke a jay, fella's. Spank the monkey. Cool out, and get over yourselves. Listen to the f*&king music, and let yourself enjoy it. Life's only brutal sometimes.------>JMS
I recently found out about this prog rock band called Cryptic Vision. Their keyboard player is Howard Helm from the 70's & 80's Canadian prog band called Zon.
http://www.myspace.com/crypticvision
http://www.myspace.com/crypticvision